had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
