Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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