When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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