I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
