You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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