i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
