I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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