Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Someone shattered a urinal.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
