FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
