i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Text me some of your sweat
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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