There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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