I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
smell my finger.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
