i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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