I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
There was a lot of him and a little penis
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
