where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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