yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
