He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
