I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
