Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
