Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
