I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
