I wish I could teleport
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
She announced her abortion via fbk
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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