I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
