Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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