Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
