I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Randomize
