I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
