this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
