Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
