A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
