i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
she pinky promised me she was 18
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
