Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
