I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
