mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
