That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
