didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
