i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
