I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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