I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
where are my eyebrows?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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