my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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