I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
