i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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