Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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