remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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