Your dad touched me again.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
