theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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