I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
