My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Sext me about skeletons
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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