She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
