dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
